It's hard.

Let's face it... deployments are HARD.  Even the strongest military wives you know, have hard, and awful days. There are days when you can't imagine peeling yourself off of the couch.  There are days when the children just will not cooperate.  There are days when dinner gets burnt and hair just won't do what you want it to.  There are days when the dog poops on the best rug in the house and the cat claws (and ruins) a chair your grandmother gave you.  Then there's those days when your tire goes flat, or your car won't start... your dishwasher broke and your toilet overflows.

Face it, life is hard; Deployments are harder.

There are good parts too, though.  There's "you" time.  Sometime that us military wives, so RARELY get.  The time when you put the kids to bed and sit on the couch, and you literally have NOTHING to do.  It's a beautiful thing.  You can watch a movie that your husband never wanted to.  You can release your stress through a blog (hi!), you can read a book that you could never concentrate on before...

There's also the bond of military wives. You know, that girl that you barely knew a year ago, but now that you're both going through a deployment, you've realized your sisters at heart.  You can relate to each other on almost any topic and you call that person the second you have ANYTHING to say, to ANYONE.  You share your happy thoughts, negative thoughts, anything you want, and they don't judge you, because they have things to share with you too.  Yea, those are pretty amazing parts.

Over the next 8-10 months, I plan on sharing my ups and downs and all of the in between during a deployment.  I hope that it helps me to release some of my stresses and that it helps you all realize we're all alike, and we all deal with the same horrible, crazy, fantastic emotions.

Military Wives are sisters.  We should start acting as them. :)

Day 2.

Yesterday we said our "see ya's."  The kids did great and even I did good. I was shocked with our strength and our boldness.  Braelyn really surprised me.  I think, though, after a morning of tears and being upset, she was just too exhausted to give anything else when he actually boarded that bus.  And poor little Camdyn, he just cried because daddy was getting on the bus... then I told him what a cool, big bus that was.. and he was just really excited.  :)  He keeps coming up to me and telling me that daddy is on the, "biiiiiiggg bus."  Sooo freakin' cute.  I came home last night and after getting the kids bathed and in bed, popped open a bottle of wine, thanks to my dear friend, Tara.  It was suuuuper yummy, too.  Before I knew it, I was relaxed enough to go to sleep..and ta da, here I am...

:)  Now, if we can just zooooom through the next few months like I zooooomed through last night, that'll be great.

Tomorrow....................

Well, here we are. Our last day together.

Unfortunately, half of it is being spent apart, because he's running some stuff to the guys at the port.  Once he gets home, I imagine, we'll just sit around and act as if it's another day.  And it's Sunday, so of course we'll be watching ARMY WIVES & COMING HOME.  Tonight is THE episode we have all been waiting for....  Any guesses as to who is passing away?  I'm torn between Chase and Jeremy... IDK.  I'm definitely interested in who it will be and how it will affect the rest of the shows.

Anyway, back to the main topic.. tomorrow he leaves.  Our daughter is having one hell of a time, dealing with this.  The 1st time he deployed she was 3.  She didn't know what a deployment was.  She didn't know how bad she would miss him.  So it was much, much easier.  The 2nd time around was short and sweet, and he went to Haiti.  She did "okay," I guess because I kept reminding her, he'd be home much sooner than last time.  Now, here we are, and she is 6 years old.  She's much more aware of our family life and what her daddy does.  She knows now, what a deployment is, and that the reality of this is, she may not see her daddy for 10 months or longer.  She told me herself, she's older now and she knows how bad she's going to miss him.  She cries periodically throughout the day and it hurts, because truthfully, there's absolutely NOTHING I can do.  It's just a sad situation.  I wish there were some way that I could make it easier for her, but we all know there's none.  Fortunately, Camdyn is only 2, so he really has NO idea what is going on.  I'm no naive enough to believe that it won't affect him though and I know there will be days that he cries for daddy, too.  Military wives, really DO, have the hardest job.  I don't pretend to think my husband has an easy one, because I've said a million times, I cannot imagine being the one who had to actually walk away from my family.  But being left here is not an easy task.  On top of missing my husband, paying the bills, and taking care of the children, I have to look at their sad, empty faces, and try to explain to them why daddy isn't here, in a manner that is appropriate, obviously.  It's just hard.  I guess there's not much else to say today.  There will be plenty more to come, though.. I'm quite the blogger during deployments.

You all have to watch this guy's ode to military SO's!

A Tribute To The Ladies Left Behind (GREAT VID)  <-click

Warrior Wife

Hypothetically speaking, I've got my war paint on, my head ready, and I'm screaming a "battle cry."  We're at the final point.  The last days before I watch him walk away... and I am READY.  I hate all of the emotions that I have to go through to reach that point, but now I'm like a Bipolar girl - in Manic mode, ready to EFFING go!

Reading all of the news articles related to my husband's deployment and where he's going, get me eerily pumped, instead of worried or sad.  And I can only think to myself, "GET 'EM BOYS!"

My only options right now are to suck it up or let it suck me up.

We all know what I'm going to do. :) It's on.. let's GOOOO.

The last days.

The final countdown of days, heading towards deployment, promise to try you in every way possible.  They're a living nightmare.  So many emotions aren't welcome in the human body and can drive you absolutely insane.  You love, you fight, you hold, you push away... grrr... I hate when we get to the point, where it's just like, "DEPLOY ALREADY!" Get away from here, so I can start missing you.

Stupid effin' deployments.

I will watch him walk away. (I'm sure I'll continue to add to this.)

FOR THEM

My children will cry and I'll hold them and attempt, unsuccessfully to dry their eyes.
I'll pretend desperately, to be okay, as I die inside.
I'll hide my fears, my wants, and my needs, and hold OUR children as they try to understand why.
I'll fake knowledge to answer the questions that pour from their tiny mouths.
I'll get up at all hours of the night to hold an aching 6 year old, who can't face one more day without her daddy.
I'll try to understand that our two year old son is confused and hurting, but doesn't know what is going on.

I'll have to print a picture for our daughter to take to school, to post on the deployed parent's board.

I'll have to take her to the park, or Chuck E Cheese afterwards, to hope she forgets for just a moment that he isn't home and won't be for a long time.

FOR ME

I'll cook for 4 and throw away enough for 2, because my appetite will die along with him deploying.
I'll keep a neater home, because he won't be around to dirty it up.
I'll kick myself for ever complaining that he left his boots in my way.
I'll learn to change a flat because I'll get one.
Anything that can go wrong, will.
I'll learn to cut the grass and do it later than I should, even though I fussed at him for the same.
I'll pretend that he's beside me in our King sized bed at night, and cry, because I know that he's not there.
I'll have awful dreams and literally, be still inside until I hear from him.

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I write this for all of the wives, because as different as we all are, our emotions are all the same and very real. It's a very rigid reality that we are going to be on our own, for a long time.  Luckily, we have the resources that are offered to us and great friends, who can relate, because let's face it.... even our closest friends from where we're from and even our families can't console us right now.

Psshtt.

I may, or may not, be in the middle of a breakdown.